Dead-Awake, A Love Story About Death and Rebirth
Mon February 1, 2010, 7:29 am

Twenty-two months ago April 1, 2008, my sweet daughter Lisa, my baby at 29, left us and took a journey ahead to the next worlds. I have been writing the book titled above, journaling my process of awakening and healing, and reflecting on how all of us deal with loss and how we can reclaim life, for the past twenty months.

The forty years of spiritual, wisdom, and personal healing work before this day prepared me to awaken from a sleep I did not know I was still in. To Be The Medicine I was teaching, I had constantly and deliberately surrendered and let go of the world and its trappings, people, ego, roles and rules, beliefs and fears in myriad ways. With Lisa’s passing I was challenged to let go and become, even more.

The day of Lisa’s funeral my mother abandoned me, I gave up the idea of full time work for as long as I needed and had to find ways to continue to live and heal. Many devastating things fell apart continuously after that until not that many weeks ago.

The three years before this, I sold my home and took a sabbatical, working part time to develop Be The Medicine, integrating my life's work into a cohesive program. I was surprised by the continuous trauma and loss that followed.

I felt like a machine gun was fixed on me. I knew there were no bullets, they were only illusion, and yet they felt real and opened me more with each hit. I swayed like a cartoon character full of holes oozing fake blood and still kept walking and standing.

Few people knew this-not that I hid it, just that I keep going. My life before this was also not easy and I learned to make lemonade out of lemons. I was also tired of having to do this. I have always been the energizer bunny. i have also been called Suzy sunshine who looks for the rainbows with the pot of gold at the other side of stormy times.

The tough times kept going. I fell apart and came back together regularly. I felt like humpty dumpty and was grateful when eventually the pieces came back together, until I fell apart yet again.

I felt the hits, they felt worse then any before, and learned from them and did my best to create from that place. I cried more than I ever did in my life. i also learned to receive help and support more than ever before. Those I had given so much to over the years gave back to me with such pride I realized the gift of receiving.

I was humbled to the core with all that occurred. I knew the soul purpose and lessons from the continuous losses and challenges. I faced each one and kept going.

And then Lisa died, and I had to stop.

The first month I kept going, doing some things, going to meetings-not knowing what else to do. I was like a soldier who was hit with a near mortal wound who stayed in the battle until they go down. I was in shock, disbelief not knowing how to live while dying inside.

Four weeks after Lisa’s death, I thought I could teach two seminars. I was in Woodstock, NY all set up to teach, it was my last before I was prepared to take time off.

My body and soul had another plan. I found myself with bronchitis the day before the first class.  This was a defining moment. I knew I had a choice to stop, before I was stopped, and could not come back.

I was in no state to hold energy for a group of people and offer anything. I needed to take care of me. I cancelled at the last minute, and went to bed.

A lovely friend gave me refuge in her master suite that had a steam shower and a gorgeous view. My healing began. I learned how strong it was to stop and heal.

I had been doing this all along, or I would not have made it this far, or developed the Be The Medicine work, but this was a total time out.

Lisa has been my teacher and guide on earth and now in heaven. She came to me the moment she left her body while she was in the ambulance. “I’m gone Mom”, she said.

I missed her first cry coming into this life, as she was a c-section, but she was sure to be with me the moment she left.  

She held me in the family waiting room in the ER while the doctors were supposed to be reviving her. A wave of love came over me. She told me how much she loved me while her father, sister and step mother were asking me to help. I could not tell them she was already gone and here with us. I waited for the doctor to tell them.

I have learned more about life and death on earth and in heaven than I ever dreamed. Lisa has been helping so many others and me from the other side. I have great stories and great learning to share.

So when you read the Be the Medicine blogs, newsletters and books know it all comes from deep experience and love.

I share my heart and journey in hope that it opens you to your life and love more. This is my life purpose and what brought me back from the abyss of deep grief.

At Lisa’s funeral I spoke of how her death was all about love, and how I saw her leaving so suddenly and unexpectedly opened the hearts of many. There were three groups of three hundred people who came for her and her father, sister and myself.

I watched some people fall apart, and some wake up and heal, because of Lisa. I could let her go no matter how much it hurts and how much I miss having her here to hold, because I honor her souls journey. And honestly my friends I have no choice.

She left and we are here - that is truth. To hold on hurts her and me. So I bless her life and her new life, and continue to learn and grow and love her more still.

Being her mother has been the greatest honor and gift. She is never far and comes whenever she wants to speak to me or let me know she is here.

I have witnessed all of us break our hearts open from this loss and more love pours out.

I have taken the time and space needed to heal. The result is I am fully here again better than before. All of the losses have brought the pot of gold to share with all of you over these next months and years.

I have learned to be the tortoise instead of the hare, and it has made all the difference. More is lived, learned and accomplished from this place of being.

So today I honor Lisa Michelle Zwiren our Sweetli and each one of us, for our bravery in being and living and learning.

I also honor and thank each person here on earth who has held me dear through this time and all those in heaven who loved and held me and helped to keep me alive so I could finish this journey with you here.

My mom is back by the way-I learned how death affects everyone differently and how to let her go before she passes.

For you Dear Readers and Friends-

Do your best to learn to let go of beliefs, fears, attachments, self-importance, pity, illness, pain and depression that keep you stuck.

Reclaim the beautiful, amazing, unique you.

This is the spiritual journey of awakening and becoming. It happens through healing, letting go and embracing life with purpose.

Take time. Slow down. Be present. Have fun.

Love everyone-especially yourself. Be love.

Be patient and kind to yourself and others. We are all on this journey together.

Not one person has it easy-no matter what it may seem from the outside.

Life is about loving, learning, living and dying.

Make the most of each juicy moment.

Today is all we have. Live it well.

Be the Medicine, Living the Power of You!

In Love and Joy!

Janet StraightArrow

Monday, February 1, 2010